Posts Tagged ‘yoga’

I have been reading a book about Cognitive Based Mindfulness and I am relating to everything I have read so far. It teaches to focus on one thing at a time, one sensation at time, such as when eating.

This week has been a week where it’s been close to impossible to focus on one thing at a time. In fact, I spent several hours yesterday trying to transfer the Church website to another platform and nothing was working as it should I have been. I got frustrated and ended up leaving it be, knowing that it was not supposed to be a difficult as it turned out to be.

I had a horrendous night’s sleep last night. Could not get comfortable, was cold, my neck was sore, blah blah blah. I know I must have slept because I distinctly remember waking up several times. But it was far from restorative sleep. I sat down at my laptop, perched at the dining room table and began again, with a different platform than yesterday. MUCH easier.

I took a break to go into the City and run a couple of errands. Got back home and worked for a couple of hours, making excellent progress. Then I noticed that my jaw and face began to hurt. Yes, I was clenching my jaw. My head was starting to hurt…shoulders were up around my ears. Tension. But I was enjoying what I was doing…I had simply by focussing so much on what I was doing that I lost sight of everything else. Not mindful focus, hyper focus.

The dogs provided a much-needed break when they discovered a dead squirrel. Got them both checked over and they are fine. Squirrel is not rabid. And did I learn from the previous hours spent unmoving? Obviously not because I spent another two solid hours working.

Eventually I decided I needed to lie down, which I did, but again, could not get comfortable. I did focus on my breathing and did manage to get warm. So that was something. Made a simple, healthy supper and watched a movie with my daughter and after she went to bed I cleaned up the kitchen.

I decided to blog about today as a reminder to myself that it is imperative to take breaks, even when doing something enjoyable. I hope and pray that sleep will come tonight. I think some deep yoga stretches may be just what I need to loosen up and relax.

Tomorrow is a fresh, new day with little, if any, time planned on the computer. Tomorrow will be a day of celebration; celebrating our God, with our family. Celebrating a Sunday family supper for the first time in what feels like too long, and a night of board games. May even work in a family walk. Now that would be something to celebrate.

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It could be the edge of insanity, or it could be the edge of awesome. I don’t believe I have ever felt this weary and yet this wired at any time before in my life. It’s a strange manic/hyper place, where I am not the slightest bit familiar. I don’t like it here.

The past two weeks have been really rough in many ways and I am so very happy to be getting away from this place. I love what I do, and I love where I live, but right now I’m so empty that I’m worried I’m starting to corrode.

My yoga mat is packed and ready to go. I have a list of things to put in my handbag so I have what I need for the train ride at my fingertips. I have packed some healthy snacks to take with me so all I have to buy is sparkling water or perhaps a cup of tea. a friend is taking me to the train station so my husband and daughter can have an afternoon of awesome together going swimming.

Today we went to an off leash beach in a big city a couple of hours away. The dogs were good, the younger one has never been in the lake before and he loves it. He’s a natural swimmer and even gave our dock diving older dog a run for her money. They slept soundly, snoring most of the way home.

The towels from today’s adventure are in the dryer. I’m going to flip them around and put them on again as the load was really full, and I’m quite sure they’re not dry. And then I think I’ll go to bed.

I have no homily for tomorrow. And I will own it. I’m overtired, I’m beyond exhausted and I’m very pleased that I have two weeks away beginning tomorrow. By this time tomorrow I will be with my friend, driving from the train station to the small town where she lives and I will really and truly be on vacation. I was have two weeks of Sabbath. And I can’t wait.

The lists have been prepared of what I need to bring and many of the smaller things have been packed. I have a book I’m bringing for a course I’m taking in September, that I may or may not get around to reading. I am bringing my yoga mat and my journal. Two dresses for theatre events we are going to, and a small collection of tops and bottoms. A yoga jacket, a heavier cardigan and that’s all I need.

Makeup is packed, jewellery is packed, clothes have been set out but not yet packed. Still have to pack toiletries, which will happen tomorrow after Church and then, I am done.

I need to pick up a pair of sandals I was looking at the other night. My right heel is an absolute mess, and the sandals I currently have aggravate it. My thoughts of extended walking are on hold for a week, I may pick them up on week two of my vacation, if my heel is in better shape. The weather is supposed to be cooler and wet for the first week, then bright and sunny the second week. Awesome.

I will not set an agenda. I will take each day as it comes. I will take better care of myself. Drink lots of water. Eat healthier foods. Laugh uncontrollably. Pour out my heart and soul in words. Pray without ceasing. Stretch my mind and body into better health. Eliminate sugar, refined flour, processed foods and alcohol from my diet, perhaps forever.

Mindfulness is the touch-word for this vacation.

I don’t know when I will blog again. This vacation will also be electronics free. My cell phone is coming with me for emergencies, and for checking on my family. But nothing else. It will not travel with me if we are away for the day. I will not come with me or be near me when I am practicing yoga. And I’m looking forward to that.

Today, I feel like I’m standing on the edge of insanity. I pray that in two weeks I will be standing on the edge of awesomeness. Only time, determination, faith, and openness will tell.

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I have been away from posting for a while because the internet connection has been down at the Church, and with that, also comes the wireless signal going kerpluey. I have no idea if that’s how you spell kerpluey.

The past couple of months have been exhausting. My eating habits are back to awful (again). My weight has stabilized which is good in one way, but not in another. My body shape continues to shift, making me unsure of what size I am or whether a piece of clothing will fit me properly from one day to the next.

I’ve presided over too many funerals. I’ve officiated too many interment services. My focus is not where it should be. My body aches from fatigue and I can barely get through the day.

I need a vacation.

Thankfully, I have two weeks vacation starting on Sunday. After Church I only need to change the Church sign and get a ride to the train station and I’m on vacation. My cell phone is coming with me to check in with my mother and my husband, but that is it. No Facebook, no email, no internet. I don’t know if I will find the time and resources to blog.

Tonight, my husband and I need to go into the city and while we are there I am going to buy a journal. I used to journal regularly and then I stopped for a number of reasons. I think it’s time to start again. I bought a new yoga mat and that is coming with me. I intend to practice yoga every day, sometimes outside, and move my body every day.

I intend to eat well every day that I’m away and drink lots of water. I want to come back from vacation healthier than I was when I left, and with good practices in place.

Yesterday was a 12 hour day for me, and by the time I had presided over two liturgies, a Memorial Service, mediated a conversation between mother and son and had a “brief” home visit to a teenage parishioner who is about to leave home for her first full-time job; I was absolutely starving and knackered.

We heated up some left-overs, I kissed my husband good night and I went to bed.

I woke up about 10 hours later, still feeling as tired as when I went to bed. And I don’t like that.

So I wonder, what comes after exhaustion? And if you get there, can you come back to health?

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I’ve been slipping quickly with my food choices and today I fell off the wagon. Hard. There will likely be bruising.

I’m limiting my intake of alcohol because I don’t want the extra calories and I really don’t seem to be able to have “just a couple”. Compound that with a great dislike of losing control AND the fact that I am always on call. I simply can’t get hammered anymore.

Usually, whenever I leave the house, I have a bottle of sparkling water with me. I drink, on average 4 – 6 litres of the stuff every day. And when I drink the full amount, I feel great. My skin looks better, my eyes shine and my hair is soft.

Lately I’ve been indulging in things that I know are bad for me. Chocolate, cookies, chips, alcohol, ice cream, french fries.

I’m a big believer in moderation, but my body doesn’t quite seem to understand what that means. When I am on my own, I can talk myself through a craving, usually. I can make myself something healthy for lunch and savour it, eating it slowly, with flowers on the table, a cloth napkin and a proper plate. And then there are the days when I fill a bowl with ice cream and eat it while standing over the sink. Or even better than that, taking the lid off the container, grabbing a spoon and eating “just a spoonful or two” then before I know it the container is empty and I feel gross.

Today it was a potato chip binge. I’ve not touched potato chips in months. But for whatever reason, when I was at the grocery store I bought a bag of my favourites, and have eaten 2/3 of the bag. I guess I should rejoice that I didn’t eat the whole bag. But I still feel disgusting and really disappointed in myself.

I’m going to a party on Saturday night and I was thinking of getting some hard cider to take and enjoy. I’ve decided, instead, to bring three bottles of sparkling water and drink that. I’ll be much less likely to nibble and snack and will be in control of myself.

I need to menu plan and have healthy options at home, instead of garbage.

I need to cook more instead of grocery-store ready foods.

I want to exercise more, but there’s always a reason why I can’t. And it has to stop. Now.

I’m taking a course in MBCT (Mindfulness Based Cognitive Therapy) in September for 8 weeks. We will be spending time on yoga mats stretching and breathing. To celebrate and honour that, I ordered an eco-yoga mat from a company called Barefoot Yoga. I mean, how could I not? I found a fabulous deal on the internet and it should be here in a week or so.

I’m going to get my original mat, which has scuffs and scratches on it, and use it every day. Even if its only 15 minutes to sitting still and breathing. Then slowly I’ll add more time on my mat.

I’ll take up the stretches again, and focus on breathing, instead of eating.

I’ll get up and move instead of staring into the abyss of the internet.

I’ll try to stop beating myself up about falling off the wagon and instead, get back up on the bloody thing.

I’m determined to buy a bikini and wear it this summer. No matter how my body looks.

I’m determined to make myself feel better through a combination of food and exercise.

I’m going to stop reading about the latest “diet” and “guaranteed successes” because nothing in life is guaranteed, other than at some point, that life will end.

I’m determined that by the time I go on vacation (in 5 weeks) that I’ll be walking healthier and will walk every day that I’m away. And every day once I return.

By the fall I want to be running for pleasure. I haven’t done that since I ran long distance in public school and I quite enjoyed it. My body is nowhere ready for it, but if I am determined enough to do what needs to be done, then it will be.

I need to forgive myself for falling off the wagon. As Miss Sullivan said to Anne Shirley, “Tomorrow is a new day, fresh and free of mistakes”.

So, tomorrow I climb back on again, and start again.

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It seems that over the past year I’ve been in a process of change. It seems that everything around me is changing. And while some of the changes are difficult and some are downright awful, there are some that are uplifting in nature.

Our congregation has been in a great state of change for the past year. We have had four significant losses to the community and there’s another one that will be happening sooner, rather than later. To be completely honest, hospital visiting is not something I enjoy. I am grateful for a long walk from the parking lot to the hospital room as it gives me a chance to psych myself up for conversation. I don’t do small talk very well.

Most often I sit in silence if it’s the parishioner and me. If there is family present I will chat with them. And then turn my attention to the parishioner. There is always prayer, and the family as well as medical team are invited to participate. Sometimes there is anointing or communion. And at the very centre of it is God.

Lately there has been a great deal of pastoral care needed in the congregation. On Tuesday alone I did four pastoral calls, usually I do one or at the most two in a day. But Tuesday it ended up being four. By the end of the day I was absolutely wiped out. And I have been having difficulty sleeping since then, most likely because I’m not decompressing properly. I know I need to focus more on my yoga. And as soon as I get busy, my self-care takes a back seat. And that has to stop.

I am determined, this summer, to make healthier choices for myself. Healthier choices in what I eat, what I do, how I move my body, how I care for my body. And it will be awesome. I need to move myself up on the list, because right now, I sit on the bottom of the list.

The struggle I often have is whether or not I “deserve” to take the time for a massage, a pedicure or highlighting my hair. And while I know it’s appropriate and necessary to do those things, there are times when I think I should be spending that time caring for others.

*sigh* Just when I think I’ve got my perspective back, it changes. And it means that I need to change and be gentler with myself.

It is true that I am my own worst enemy and harshest critic. And that’s okay, I guess? I think what I need to do is to silence the criticism, and stop beating on myself. I am in a process of reinvention of myself, my home, and my life.

This afternoon I’m going to spend some time outside, doing some clearing up, moving some planters, filling them with soil and getting ready to do some planting, which I plan to do tomorrow afternoon.

I work hard and I am good at what I do. God has given me strength that I never knew existed, to care for people, to love them (even the difficult ones) and to connect with them.

There will always be one more email to send, one more phone call to make, one more floor to sweep, one more person to visit. So I need to be militant with myself, that I deserve to have this time as much as anyone else.

And I need to give myself permission to say no to things that are not life-giving or necessary. I need time for me. And that’s okay.

It’s almost time to tidy up my desk, put things away for my next office day and get ready to have lunch with a colleague. Today is going to be an easier day then the first part of the week. And that is truly awesome.

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I think these things are supposed to begin like this “Hello, my name is _______ and I am an addict.
I am addicted to food. I have begun to realise that most of my issues with food are because I react emotionally to food. The daughter of a friend of mine is in recovery from an eating disorder and she blogged recently about food shaming, and body shaming.

I am overweight. I got on the scale today and it said 234 lbs. I’m 5’6” and that’s simply too much weight for my body. I live a very active lifestyle, most days I’m on the run constantly. Some days I can go all day without eating because I don’t feel hungry. And then I sit down. And all hell lets loose.

I’ve tried diets before and I don’t have the willpower or the staying power. I try to eat according to the recommendations of Canada’s Food Guide. And then I’ll bake something involving chocolate, and I’ll eat most of it. Not in one sitting, but sometimes.

The problem with being a food addict is that food is everywhere I go. A heroin addict, once clean, would not randomly come across her drug of choice at the gas station, or the supermarket, or the corner store. But everywhere I go there is food. And of course, the most appetizing stuff is close to the check out. I’m reading a book called The Hunger Fix and it talks about the necessity of detoxing from food before learning to eat better.

It talks about mouth hunger and about pleasure sensors. It speaks to me because it was written by someone who is also a food addict. I don’t know one human being who says “OMG, I’m SO craving carrot sticks”…unless they are part rabbit. Living with food addiction is a minefield. It is a form of an eating disorder and has all the shame that goes with it. A simple lunch invitation can cause fixation on what I am going to eat, and that makes me run through “the rules” of eating.

My recovery will begin with the understanding of why I overeat. And what I overeat. I need to stop several behaviours that are not good for me. Such as eating while standing up. Eating while watching a movie. Eating anywhere but the dining room table.

One of the things I’m going to do is clear off my dining room table and make it pretty. I think if I sit down to eat each meal in a beautiful setting i.e. tablecloth, place mat, charger, wine glass for sparkling water, etc, it will give me an opportunity to enjoy my food, and be aware of what I’m eating.

At first there will be many rules I impose on myself, but eventually, I hope to loosen them. I don’t want to starve myself to a size 3. My body is not made to be willow thin, but I know I need to lose a lot of weight. It will be a four-step process…detox, eat healthier making healthy choices, drinking lots of water and exercise. The though of running a marathon does not appeal to me, nor does going to a gym. I still have too many body image issues for that.

So I am going to take the dogs for a walk, at least once a day, for 30 minutes. Eventually I will take longer walks and will turn to exercise in times of stress instead of food. I will work more zealously at yoga. Being aware of my body, my breath and my well-being.

I will avoid social settings (at first) where I will slip into unhealthy eating patterns. Especially while I’m in detox. I’m in day 3 of a liver/digestive detox which is designed to last a month and clean out the liver and digestive system. I take 4 supplements a day (2 in the morning, 2 in the evening) and I have the doctor’s approval that they won’t interfere with my antidepressants.

There is no Betty Ford Centre for food addicts. Everywhere you go, there is food. I can’t go “cold turkey” from food or I’ll die. I also don’t want to fall into the place where I’ll never be able to eat out and enjoy myself again. In short, I don’t want to share one set of unhealthy behaviours for another.

Behaviour is the correct word. I reward myself with food. I comfort myself with food. There’s nothing really wrong with that, but the amount and the type of food are not appropriate. So for now, because I can’t have “just one” of something that I overeat, I will eat none until I know for certain that I can handle “just one”.

Artificial sweeteners are out of my diet for good. Pop is out of my diet. my plan is to eat as close to nature as possible. Fresh as opposed to canned. Cooked from scratch as opposed to processed foods. It’s going to take some work. My beloved is on board and has started to make healthier choices for himself as he supports me in my endeavour.

I’m hoping that once I begin to eat properly I will lose weight. Not to be supermodel thin, but to be healthier in who I am…whatever that weight may end up. Having said that, weighing below 200 lbs would be great.

So for now I’m going to take one day at a time, one meal at a time, one trip to the grocery store at a time. I’m going to talk myself through new things. I already talk to myself, only now there will be new reasons for it. I’m going to share my anxiety with those I trust if I’m in a potentially dangerous situation…such as a buffet, or a dessert bar.

I need to be friends with food, not to look at it as the enemy. Currently food and I are not on speaking terms. But with time that will change. And it will be good. Once I get the cravings under control I know things will change. The next 27 days will have their ups and downs, but I’m confident I’ll get through it. If I fall off the wagon, I’ll get back on and try again.


Because I’m worth it.

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In the media lately there’s been a lot of hype about the 12th of February as “Let’s talk about it” day to promote Mental Health Awareness.  The irony is that the 12th of February 2013 is Shrove Tuesday, the day when, historically, all fat i.e. butter, sugar, etc., was used up before Ash Wednesday, and the beginning of Lent.

 The 12th of February is also my 3rd wedding anniversary.  So our romantic Anniversary Dinner will consist of pancakes.  Andrew will eat the sausages for me (he’s good like that), and we will spend a couple of hours with our Parish Family and the wider community.

 I’d like to begin discussion a little earlier than the 12th of February, as I’ll be rather busy on the actual day. 

I have struggled with depression since puberty and it was, ironically, our First wedding anniversary in 2011 when I finally recognised that the black hole had returned.  It is said Winston Churchill referred to his depression as a black dog, but for me, the image is more of a hole, that may or may not have a cover.  I feel like I need to go there and stay there as it is quiet and nobody bothers me.  I get enveloped by the darkness and feel comfortable in my absolute inability to move.  My inability to do much of anything, but absolutely cannot sleep.

 The year 2012 was particularly difficult as my husband was unemployed for a good part of it.  My father died in June and the grief, at times, felt unbearable.  But I persevered, as that is what I do.  I put on a happy face and simply got on with it.  Until the fall.  There’s something about the fall that sets me back on my heels.  It’s one of my favourite times of the year and also a very frightening time of year.  As the earth begins to prepare herself for hibernation, I find myself longing for the longer nights.  I like the darkness.  It’s peaceful.

 Recently I saw a periodontist about TMJ (I don’t know what that stands for) and he suggested I increase the meds I take at night to help me sleep.  He’s also built up my night guard so I can train my jaw muscles to not clench as often as I sleep.  He said it will take me a couple of weeks to get used to it.  I’m on day 4 of it, and not sleeping well, but I understand why.

 Mental Health is something I live with every day.  Most days are completely manageable.  Some days even feel like there’s nothing wrong at all.  And then there’s the “bad patch” days when everything is massive.  Getting dressed is a chore.  Going to work is a struggle, and I LOVE my “job”.  The idea of talking to anyone feels like an insurmountable obstacle, and most days like this I can force myself, one step at a time, one minute at a time, one moment at a time, to do what I have to do.  And some days like these, I can’t.  So I don’t.

 I recognise that there are times when I am not fun to be around.  And I try to remove myself from everyone so I can try to figure out what on earth is going on.  Or at least, rest myself, perhaps journal, do yoga, and sleep.

 Mental Health is something that is greatly misunderstood.  It is much maligned as something that a strong person can “snap out of” if they choose to do so.  That is, with all due respect, absolute bullshit.  

 I can act, I can pretend, and I think I do a pretty good job of putting on a game face and getting the job done. Very few people have ever seen me in a deep depressive state, because I tend to not be around folks when I’m in the cave.  We, as society, need to stop closeting people who struggle and live with mental illness.  It’s not all in our head…well, actually, it kind of is.  It is not imaginary.  There are voices, smells and sights that may not exist to anyone else but us.

 Sometimes we talk to ourselves, sometimes we answer ourselves.  But aside from the quirks and anomalies that make us stand out, there is the private hell that we face.  You can’t save us.  You can’t say a magic phrase to make it all okay.  There is no magic pill to “cure” us.  The reality is, we have to find our way through combinations of drug therapy, talk therapy, good nutrition, exercise, and a support group of professionals, amateurs, family and friends.

 No two of us are the same, and that’s awesome.

 If someone you love seems to be struggling, don’t be afraid to ask us if we’re okay.  Chances are we’ll tell you we’re “fine”, but we may tell you the truth.  And it may be frightening to hear.

 If you are someone who struggles, find someone to share your struggle with.  Find someone to trust completely and share what you’re really feeling.  It won’t be easy.  You may get hurt.  But the reality is, no-one deserves to struggle alone.

 As a relatively high-functioning depressive in a small Southwestern Ontario village, I think it’s important that people see me for who I am.  A quirky, humorous, dignified Anglican priest (not priestess) who tells it like it is, is as down to earth as she can be, and who loves what she does.

 Ask me anything at all.  I reserve the right to refuse to answer.  And I reserve the right to tell you the truth.

 It’s time for us to talk about mental illness.  So let’s get the conversation started…

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I find it very interesting how weather can affect the mood of a group. This past Sunday was our annual meeting where the budget is presented as well as ongoing and upcoming projects.

We have experienced a changing of the guard as both Wardens and Deputy have changed, and yet, the council members are the same, simply with some in different roles than last year.

The weather was overcast and dreary and the mood of the room was subdued. We had a lot of good news to celebrate, but the energy didn’t seem to be there. The Holy Spirit was very present, but I think she was tired too.

Since then I’ve had two long days of driving to pick up my mother who hurt her hand and is need of someone to care for. So now my days are busy. They’re always busy, but this is a different busy because of elder care.

It’s interesting to be part of the ‘sandwich generation’ as I have a 12 year old daughter by marriage and a 76 year old mother. sometimes their care is the same, and at other times each is responsible for the other. Thanks be to God they like each other and enjoy each other’s company.

The past couple of days have been wet and rainy, very unusual weather for January in Southwestern Ontario. The church basement took on some water, as did the rectory basement, but no damage (at least it appears so).

Today is the kind of day where I have a lot to do, but don’t really feel like doing any of it. The elevator inspector is at the church and I have some administrative things to finish, paperwork to get together from our annual meeting.

I think, once this is done, that I’ll go home, make something for lunch and make out a grocery list. Then it may be bath time and an afternoon nap. These 12 hour days have been taking a toll, and I think the weather is Mother Nature telling me that it’s okay to rest my weary body.

Yoga tonight should help get the kinks out. But mostly a warm blanket, a cup of tea, and a chat with my mother. All good things.

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I am, by nature, a tidy person. I live with an adult, a tween and a dog. And between them they generate a LOT of mess. I’ve tried to leave it until they decide to clean it up themselves. I’ve tried gentle reminders. I’ve tried written notes and “to do” lists. And then I throw my hands up and do it myself.

Perhaps it’s not the best way to deal with the situation, but I can’t function in chaos.

So I’ve decided to take our spare bedroom and transform it into my own space. There is already a floor lamp in there, and a couple of comfy chairs. My elliptical machine is in there, as well as a set of shelves and some boxes. The plan is to rearrange the room into functional space, put my yoga mat near the elliptical, move the shelves and fill with books and whatnot that are meaningful to me. There will be candles, there will be quiet and it will become a room of my own.

No people or pets allowed, unless by invitation. It will be a place that stays tidy and clean, and anything that is put in there is by me. I don’t know how long this transformation will take place, but I am hopeful it will be a place where I find peace and focus on my breathing. It will be a place of health and holiness. And best of all, it will be a place just for me.

Selfish? Perhaps, but my mental health is worth something, right?

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I’ve not written for a while as I’ve been away. I went on vacation, which was in two parts…the first part was to visit my Mam and some friends and then I brought my Mam with me to the second part of vacation in a place that is very special to me.

I had three things I wanted to do while I was away and foul weather trashed all three things. I’m disappointed but I figure I can always try again another time. Even still, I regret that I didn’t have the opportunity to stretch myself physically, something that I don’t do nearly enough.

My return to the parish was uneventful, a day spent driving in the rain. Once I was home, I walked past my laptop a few times, thinking that I should probably log on and check email. But I didn’t. I logged on Sunday morning before church and had 300 unread messages. Once I sifted through the cute emails, newsletters, status updates, and the like, I was down to roughly half. And I left it to go to work.

This morning I logged on again and started working through the list. I’m now down to 9, all of which require action, but not today. Today I’m going to be gentle with myself…

Yesterday after a hectic morning I cleaned the house and did six loads of laundry. Today I need to go to the grocery store. So very soon I’m going to log off for at least the rest of the morning and go get another cup of coffee. Then I’ll have a shower and get dressed, go to the post office and grocery store and then I may have a nap.

This is going to be a very busy week, and I want to be sure to be gentle with myself…because in Church Land there’s no such thing as easing back in to work.

That yoga mat looks pretty inviting…I think I’ll do some yoga today too.

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