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Posts Tagged ‘worth’

It’s been a rough week. I’m struggling physically to balance how I think I feel and how I actually, physically feel. When I wake up in the morning I assess how I’m feeling and what I think I can do. Most days I wake up feeling relatively okay. My sleep is not great yet, I have very vivid and strange dreams that I’m putting down to the anaesthetic leaving my system.

I start my day with prayer and then make a cup of tea, decide what to eat for breakfast and what I think I can/should do.

The other day I woke up feeling pretty good. Said my prayers, had some tea and toast and then decided to clean the bathroom. Not the floors, just the sinks, counters and toilets. Shouldn’t have cleaned the toilets. Probably shouldn’t have cleaned any of it, but I like restoring order and making things clean.

I decided to go for a walk, just to get out of the house. Got to the end of block in front of the house and fell. I stepped on some ice covered snow, which I thought was just snow. I fell onto my backside, much to the amusement of a family of deer who were reclining on the front lawn. It took awhile to get myself upright and once I did I came back into the house, had a shower and put clean pajamas on. Enough adventure for one day.

My car is buried. Not completely, but there is a burm in front of it that I have no idea how to move. I know right now I can’t physically move it. Honestly, I don’t know if I am strong enough yet to drive.

It’s frustrating.

I see all kinds of things that I’d like to do, little things I’d like to take care of, and I absolutely physically cannot do them. It makes me feel helpless. For someone who prides herself on being fiercely independent, this is an awful struggle.

I’d like to change my bed, but I can’t. I’d like to do the laundry, but I can’t. And before I allow myself to surrender, I feel completely helpless.

I’ve started a journal – a deep dive – into discovering who I am. I take great pride in being a pastor, priest, prophet, and minister. I am proud of the education I have, especially how hard I worked to obtain it. It makes me feel very good when I am recognized in the community where I live and introduced as the pastor, priest or minister to another person.

Yet when you peel all of that away…when it’s just me and God, who am I? Can I be me without the titles? Without the education? Without the knowledge?

Anyway, that’s what I am exploring in bits and pieces and it’s really difficult work. The answer to “Who am I”? is “I am a Child of God”. Yet the examination of the pieces of me, the motivation for doing what I do and being who I am is difficult. It’s dark and it’s lonely and it’s work only I can do.

So as I continue to heal internally, and recognize that the doctor’s told me 6 weeks recovery FOR A REASON, I am shifting my focus from the physical to the spiritual, mental, internal me. She has not had a lot of care given to her for a long, long time. And as much as my body needs to be nurtured, so does she.

I will continue to physically heal. I will continue to emotionally dive. And I pray by the time I am back to work, both will be in good order. A lot of work between now and then, but I’m worth it.

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I’m not even sure if that is a word…but it is now.  It’s been ages since I last posted and that’s for a variety of reasons.  Since Easter I’ve had a funeral, a wedding, have met with two couples who are getting married.  Spent time in hospital at bedsides, attended meetings, and contracted a devastating 48 hour ‘flu.  Aside from that there’s been not much happening.

This Spring I’ve been overtaken with the need to de-clutter.  I’ve been consumed with the need for open space, for clean shelves, uncluttered tabletops.  In short, everything in it’s place and a place for every thing.  I decided two summers ago to empty the room that was, at one time, my home office.  It became a storage wasteland for all the things that entered the house but didn’t have anywhere to go…so they ended up in that room.

That room is now empty of my stuff.  There’s a growing pile of garbage at the sidewalk in front of the house because this week is the community garbage collection.  There’s broken clothes racks, broken glass, broken chairs…just about everything but broken hearts…

And while there’s been a great deal of space opening in the house, there’s still boxes of things that need to be sorted through…books to be returned to friends or put in the box for the Church Yard sale.  There’s more stuff than space, even though there’s a whole empty room.  Thus, the discombobulation.

In the course of a couple of extremely busy weeks, I reached for Coke Zero, my go-to caffeine kick at Seminary…and in short order I was guzzling a horrifying about each and every day.  I’ve also been eating a great deal of food that is little better than garbage and not drinking nearly enough water.

So last week I decided that I needed to get my unhealthy self back to healthy..

I purchased a Fitbit that tracks my sleep patterns, steps, stairs, water intake, calories in and out. So far I”m using it to track steps, stairs, sleep and water…will work up to the caloric thing eventually.  I know I feel better when I drink water.  I can motivate myself to drink enough with Fitbit.  I”m not competing with anyone or anything but myself…even though that is an option.  I need to spend less time in my head and more time outside, moving my fat ass around.

And while I am learning to love myself, I am in need of health and that will come by caring for as well as loving myself. It’s not about losing weight, although that is something I want to do.  It’s not about scoring points on a chart.  It’s about doing all these little things that will help me to feel better, look better and be better.

If I don’t lose one pound, that will be okay, because I know with more water, more movement, less stress and better eating, I will be healthier.  And my body will thank me for that.

So while the de-cluttering of the house continues, the cleansing of the body begins.  As the garbage goes out and the treasures go to the Yard Sale, I will still and quiet my mind.

I believe it will be then that my discombobulation will begin to lift and I will feel more like myself.

Oh, how I have missed myself…and as soon as I find where I tucked my yoga mat away, that will be another goal realised.

Time to get up and get moving, the administration will wait until later.

Now where’s that water bottle…

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It’s an interesting time of year…Lent. Each year I challenge the congregation to adopt a discipline for the duration of Lent. This year it’s clearing out our emotional storehouses of unresolved anger, shame, hurt and other such hurtful and destructive emotions. Shame, in particular, is a horrible emotion to hold on to. It is destructive, all-consuming and can completely shut us off from the love of God.

What we often fail to recognise is that, even in our brokenness, God reaches through and surrounds us. It is in the middle of night raging, when we feel most vulnerable and alone; that is where God meets us. God loves us through the brokenness and often, despite the brokenness.

We don’t have to make sure our shoes are shined and our teeth are brushed to be with God. We simply have to be and God is there. Always has been. Always will be.

It’s a time of year for us to shift our priorities; to look inwards and really look. To peer into the deep dark recesses that we deliberately shy away from. To take a good, hard look at who we were. We must release these negative emotions, or they may hold us hostage. We must realise our value and worth, because nobody else will do it for us.

Each and every one of us is a beloved child of God. We were created in perfection; not societies perfection, but God’s perfection.

Remind yourself of these three things:

I am worthy.
I am loved.
I am perfect.

Tape them to a mirror if you have to. Say them over and over again. One day you’ll believe them. Why? Because they are true.

You ARE worthy.
You ARE loved.
You ARE perfect.

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