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Posts Tagged ‘wellness’

It’s been awhile since I logged on to my blog. When I tried tonight it asked for my password and it wouldn’t work. So I had to reset my password and taaa daaa it now works!

I’ve been waiting for awhile to have surgery. A hysterectomy. It’s happening the day after tomorrow. I don’t know what time yet as I have to call in the morning to find that out. I’m going to be off work for 6 weeks, which is the longest I’ve ever been away from work in my 52 years of living. I’m quite anxious about that.

I’ll be staying with a good friend in the community where the surgery is happening. It’s an hour+ drive from home. He is listed as my Emergency Contact, also known as The Responsible Adult. It’s a title he QUITE enjoys. Me? Not so much.

It will be a challenge to listen to my body for 6 weeks and not overdo it. I am fiercely independent and also quite private. Asking for help is not something I do well. Both congregations have been incredible in offers of help. From driving me to the hospital and picking me up to arranging meals once I am back in my own flat. It’s difficult for me to accept the help and yet I know accepting it is the right thing to do.

I have a bag packed with books, crafting projects, a cake of yarn to make a baby blanket and three journals. One will be for keeping track of my post-op recuperation, i.e. pain levels, emotional space, eating, drinking, etc. A good reference for when I see the docs for follow up.

Another journal will be for my “regular’ journaling about what is happening in that crazy brain of mine. And the third is the ideas journal for when I have an “a-ha” in the middle of the day or the middle of the night. I will jot things down there and then leave them alone until I’m back to work. Hopefully.

My main intention as I heal physically is to do a deep dive into my psyche and try to unravel the root of my anxiety, depression, OCD, etc. It won’t be pretty, but it will be necessary. And my “regular” journal will be where I unravel all this stuff. I was talking with a colleague this afternoon who offered prayers and when I told him about the deep dive he asked what I’m going to do with all the “stuff” I dredge up. I told him I haven’t the foggiest idea.

We sat in companionable silence for awhile and then he told me he hoped in five years time I would look back at this hospitalisation as a wonderful opportunity for personal growth. I pray he is right.

Lately my life doesn’t seem to be working properly. I love my vocation. I’m happily busy. But my insides are a mess. I’m not eating properly. I’m not sleeping properly. My skin is itchy, my guts are a mess and I don’t feel right “in myself”.

My deepest desire is when I get back from convalescing I will be stronger mentally, physically and spiritually. I will learn to balance my time better. To build in moments of silence, of stillness and of peace.

A friend of mine is retiring in June and he’s been inundated with people asking him what he’s going TO DO with his time. He’s frustrated with the question, because it lends itself to the unhealthy ideal that we are what we do. It insinuates that once he retires he will have no personal identity.

What he plans on doing is whatever he pleases. He will focus on BEING, rather than on DOING. That is such a great message; such a great lesson for everyone. And it’s something I will be building into my convalescence.

Looking for an honest answer to “Who am I”? and then living into how I can be that person. Not by doing, by being.

Wish me luck.

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A little more than a week ago I came down with a cold.  No big deal, except this cold had fever, chills, nausea, and a bark-like cough.  Maybe it was more than a cold.  I don’t really know.  What I DO know is that it knocked me on my backside and I was down for the count.  As a rule, I don’t get really sick.  I’ll have a sore throat and some nasal discomfort that will last a few days, and I can usually work through it with little aggravation.

Not this.

I couldn’t read.  I couldn’t focus.  I certainly couldn’t drive.  I went to Church last Wednesday and was promptly sent home.  I guess I looked as bad as I felt.

Now, there was a time when I’d have fought tooth and nail to be there.  Not this time.  I was sick, I was tired and I needed rest.  When I realised I had two very capable people who could take the service for me I came home, changed into my pjs and went to bed.  I woke up 9 hours later feeling more like a human being.  But still not well.

I struggled through the rest of the week.  Drinking copious amounts of tea, water, eating toast.  Not really much of an appetite, and I was determined that I would be well enough for Sunday.  And I was.  Barely.

I preached and celebrated both services, but little else.  Thankfully I had licensed lay ministers who made sure the other parts of the service were covered.  It worked well.  And after service we postponed Bible Study, I came home and went to bed.

Monday was a full day, as was today.  Tomorrow is a full day, as is Thursday.  And Friday I’m finally getting my hair cut.

There was a time when I could shake off a cold.  I could fight through it.  Not anymore.  And as I reflect on how weak I still feel, I am horrified that I used to work when I was sick, so sick I would share my sickness so others would be sick.  That’s not good for anyone.

I finally got to the chiropractor and realised it had been two months since my last adjustment.  The intake process took the better part of an hour, and I was finally adjusted.  It was a loud adjustment and I felt much better.  Today I’m sore again, but thankfully I see my chiropractor again Thursday morning.

Now I need to find a registered massage therapist, a family doctor and a dentist and I think my health care team is in place.  One thing at a time.

I think I’m beginning to get the hang of this self-care model.  Look at me go!

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