Posts Tagged ‘The Narrator’

The past few days have been a struggle for me, with respect to food. I am having conversations with The Narrator again when I’m making food choices, especially in restaurants. For example, my Mam weighs 114 lbs. I weigh more than twice that. She orders french fries, I order salad. She doesn’t finish her plate, but encourages me to do so. And so I do.

The Narrator chimes in like this “Hey, look at those fries. They look fresh-cut. Remember the smell of blanching fresh-cut fries…just have a couple. It won’t do you any harm.” So I have a couple. “Don’t those taste awesome? C’mon, eat them all.” And before I know it, the plate is empty. Then it starts, “you stupid, fat, pig. No willpower at all, do you? How do you expect to lose weight when you shove stuff in your mouth without even thinking about it? What kind of loser are you? How do you expect anyone to listen to what you have to say, when you can’t even control yourself? Just stop eating.”

Then I spend the next couple of hours feeling badly about myself. I’m afraid to go to the grocery store. I’m afraid to go into any store because I fear I’ll make a bad choice. So I don’t eat. And then I get scared that I won’t eat again. Craziness! Oh, and I did just take my meds for the day.

Yesterday I woke after a fairly rotten night’s sleep and took my Mam out for breakfast. My Mam LOVES to eat out. I fear eating out. More often than not I make healthier choices, but some days my balance is off and I fall off the wagon. We went out for breakfast, which is a veritable minefield at the best of times. My brother joined us for breakfast. I ordered eggs, over-easy, fresh tomatoes instead of home fries, and rye toast. I finished it. It was three eggs. But I did make healthier choices.

I had a peanut butter and dark chocolate protein bar with a bottle of water for lunch. The rest area was crammed full of people and I didn’t want to stand in line, so I grabbed something moderately healthy and kept driving. For dinner last night I had nothing. I did drink four litres of water from when I got home to when I went to bed. I need to go grocery shopping. I have a list. I have my market bucket. I just need the resolve to go.

I have an appointment in the village at 2:00. I think I may go after that. The store should be quieter then.

I’ve been doing a lot of reading about genetically modified foods and realise, with great horror, that we cannot get nutrients we need from the food we eat. It would take 12 cups of broccoli to give us the same vitamins that one cup would have given us 50 years ago. The reason why so many of us have medical issues is related to malnutrition. Unbelievable.

I’m doing some reading on the need for vitamin and mineral supplements for the chronic conditions from which I suffer. It may all be b.s. but I’m willing to try almost anything if it will improve my quality of life.

So, today is a day of getting things finished. I look forward to seeing a neatly made bed in my bedroom and in the spare bedroom, with a set of bedding neatly folded and put away. It may be a small thing, but it is a ray of sunshine in an otherwise challenging time.

Restoring order from chaos. Something from which I take great satisfaction.

I wonder if it is coincidence that this year we are doing a four-week series on Creation? Hmmm, coincidence with God? I think not.

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Over the past couple of weeks I’ve experienced a great deal of firsts. I attended my first protest march in many, many years. I received fashion advice from a Drag Queen (which was really kind of awesome). I received a drawing from a little boy and because of him I now know what God looks like. I have sworn off artificial sweeteners and being more mindful of what, when and how I eat. I’ve started taking vitamins to help promote better health. And I’ve begun an exercise program.

Tonight there is a special event in the City with 25% of funds raised from participating restaurants go to HIV/AIDS in the community. My beloved and I are going out with a very fun couple and looking forward to it. As as I prepare for this night out, I follow generally, the same routine. Have a bath, exfoliate, do my hair, deep clean my face, apply makeup, perfume and get dressed. I have this fabulous dress that I don’t get to wear very often. It’s hanging proudly in my room, waiting to be worn.

But I’m afraid it won’t fit.

You see, I’ve been backsliding quite a bit in the past couple of days. I’m still drinking water, but not as much as I should. I’m spending too much time on my laptop doing, well, not much of anything, really. And I’ve been eating. Girl Guide cookies. By the box. And as I eat them, I hear, loud and clear “Put the cookie down! You KNOW that’s not good for you. You KNOW you won’t stop with a couple of cookies. PUT THE DAMN COOKIE DOWN”. And then there’s the other voice that says “you’ve had a really crappy couple of weeks. You’re overtired, you’re doing all the housework. You deserve to have a cookie. It’s not going to hurt you. Go on. YOU DESERVE IT.

I have a lot of trouble with the word “deserve”. When I was growing up that word was thrown around in a very hurtful way. I thought I deserved to be punished. I believed that I deserved to be disregarded. And when something awful would happen, I’d hear “you deserved that”. For me “deserve” has a very negative connotation. And that concerns me. I’m still not sure how to deal with that word. Maybe I will not be able to reconcile it to a good meaning. But maybe I will. At this point, I don’t know. Truly I don’t.

I’ve been struggling with a migraine on and off for about two weeks now. It’s left me exhausted and somewhat short-tempered. I pushed back an appointment I had this morning to tomorrow morning, and went to lie down before I was to meet a friend that I’ve not seen in way too long.

I overslept. My cell phone ringing woke me up and it was my friend. Thankfully everything is close at hand where I live, so I was able to splash water on my face, get dressed and meet him in ten minutes. We had coffee and chatted. We made arrangements to meet again. And I came home. And finished a box of Girl Guide cookies.

Right now I feel disgusting. And if it wasn’t a special event tonight, I would cancel going. The reality is I’ve blown any good I could have in my diet for the next week. And I have to face that.

So I’m going to go upstairs and see if my dress fits. If it does I will be surprised and a bit shocked too. And if it doesn’t, there’s an outfit I reserve for just such occasions. I’m hoping I won’t need it tonight, but if I do, I know where it is.

Tonight is producing a great deal of anxiety already. And maybe that’s why I overate again today. I don’t think anyone is going to care what I eat or don’t eat tonight. And so I should relax, breathe, enjoy the company and the fabulous new restaurant. Eat slowly, chew, swallow, breathe, chat, smile and enjoy.

And now I have to go and rinse myself off as the dogs were just outside and came in covered in mud. I’m so glad I’m not yet fully dressed for tonight. The floors will need cleaning again too, but that will wait for tomorrow.

For now, I’m going to march upstairs and get ready for an awesome night out…

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I was always told if you have nothing nice to say, don’t say anything at all. I’ve modified that somewhat in believing if you can’t say something useful, don’t say anything at all.

Christmas was awesome. I’ll write a post about that soon. Since Christmas I’ve been absolutely exhausted and not really wanted to do or write anything. The Narrator is still at work, the Narrator never takes a day off. And that’s okay.

I can tell my level of anxiety and wellness by what I hear the Narrator say. The Narrator comments on absolutely everything and most of the time I listen without acknowledgement. But every now and then The Narrator turns nasty. On me, of course, never on anyone else.

My husband, daughter, dog and I went to bring my mother home on the 27th of December, a 6 hour drive one way. We stayed two nights and came home. Over that journey I read Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance. I’ve never read it before. I’m not sure why I’ve never read it before. I found it quite profound. And now I better understand The Narrator.

There are some who would say that because I hear voices (and really, it’s only one voice) I should seek immediate, psychological help. The truth is, The Narrator often comforts me. Especially in the middle of the night, when I can’t rest. I can listen to The Narrator until I fall asleep.

I know I struggle with depression and thus with mental illness. I don’t “enjoy” it as some bumper stickers blithely state. There are times I suffer through it. And there are times I feel a brilliant clarity in it. But it’s always there.

Very few people know of The Narrator. And now, you should count yourself among the fortunate (maybe) because you know about it too. The voice is neither male or female (kinda like God). Maybe The Narrator IS the voice of God. I don’t think I rank high enough or are holy enough for that kind of intimacy with God.

Some people who do know of The Narrator ask me if I want it to go away. And the reality is, I don’t. What The Narrator says helps me understand how “well” I am. Sometimes I joke with The Narrator. Other times I cry with or because of The Narrator. And I think if the voice stopped, I would panic. And feel very much alone.

There are times when I need to say something, and times when it’s better I say nothing. Right now I’m wavering between the two.

I hope to post more in the future, on a more regular basis. I won’t make any promises, because I don’t like to break promises. There will be a post about Christmas and about the most awesome New Years Eve wedding. But those will be for another day.

I hesitated about whether or not to share about The Narrator. And I decided that today was the day. In reality, I think most of us have a Narrator or some voice that tells us the difference between good and evil, the difference between right and wrong. Mine has a title. Not a name.

Do you have one? And if so, is there a name?

And if you don’t have one…you don’t know what you’re missing. 🙂

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