I have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. It is not who I am . It does not define me. And yet there are days when I really feel it. Since moving west I’ve moved my body more than ever and I’m loving how my body is responding. My skin is glowing, I’m drinking lots of water, eating fresh foods wherever possible, getting outside into the sun or rain and walking most everywhere.
When I first got here I was absolutely exhausted. The Archbishop asked if my soul had caught up with my body from all the traveling, and when I stopped to ponder his words I realised that it had not. And that was sad. So I rested myself more than usual, took things slower and generally listened to my body.
One of the challenges with CFS is chronic pain. It’s manageable…I’ve lived with it for 18 years. Most days, once I get moving, it’s barely noticeable and so, I’ll admit, I get a bit cocky…and then that’s when my old friend returns.
Late nights, early morning, poor nutrition choices, overloaded work schedule, stress, etc. etc. etc. and soon the dance of fatigue becomes more complicated.
Last night was one of those nights. I found my body getting heavy. I found my ability to concentrate diminished. I fought to stay alert and when I started to lose my horizon I lay down. It took me a little while to figure out which way was down, but once I did, gravity did the rest. I slept deeply, heavily for a couple of hours. Woke up refreshed and needing the bathroom. Returned to bed and slept deeply again…glorious, restful sleep.
So today as I look at my schedule for the week, I’m going to be a bit more gentle with myself. I’m still going to walk, but not push myself…life is a marathon, not a sprint. I’m going to eat food I enjoy, and savour it. I’m going to begin to journal again, noting the joy and challenge in my life. And I’m going to live.
Slowly, I’m learning to reframe my language into something that is positive. A wise friend recently commented that language and words define our power…define our reality. And it’s so true. “Sticks and stones will break my bones, but names will never hurt me” is a fallacy and a damaging one at that.
My biggest critic is the negative self-talk that permeates my being. Instead of building walls to keep people out, I’m going to build walls to surround the negative self-talk. I will acknowledge it, dismiss it, and move on with my life.
A challenge? Most definitely.
Do-able? Absolutely.
Because I choose to be happy. The only actions I control are my own. And so I will choose to come from a place of love — always. I will choose to come from a place of peace, of hope and of joy.
Oh there will be bad days…but they will not define me. Like my CFS does not define me. Right now we’re dancing the CFS is leading, but not for long. And when that dance concludes, I’ll send him home. Then I’ll continue to dance the dance of unbridled joy…perhaps even dancing in the rain.
