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Archive for the ‘Food Addiction’ Category

It’s the time of year when so many people say “I can’t wait for this year to be over, next year is going to be so much better”. And what does that really mean?

Yes, 2013 has been a tough year for the community in which I live. There have been so many deaths and looking out at the congregation on Christmas Eve at 7:00 pm I had a catch in my throat through nearly the whole service. Looking out and seeing the families who are at their first Christmas Eve service since their loved one died. And feeling lost. I understand that feel very well.

On the radio and all over the internet, there are top 10 lists and “Best Of” lists and montages of 2013. Many people find it necessary to make Resolutions, as though the new year isn’t really a new year unless there is a list of often unattainable resolutions. THIS is the year I will run the Boston Marathon (and yet, getting up to the fridge during commercials makes one winded). THIS is the year I will lose 100 lbs (and yet not change eating habits or exercise in any way). THIS is the year I will meet Mr or Ms Right (and never leave the house) etc.

For me, resolutions are a recipe for disaster and I refuse to make them. What I do, instead, is look at my lifestyle from time to time, usually every 3 – 4 months and see where I am physically, spiritually, mentally, etc and decide if there are changes I should make or new habits I should incorporate. And then I do them.

Putting pressure on one night, New Years Eve, is crazy. It’s too much pressure. And it sets us up to failure. How many gyms has fantastic “resolution” specials, and by the first of February they are back to near empty? How many people have gym memberships that are virtually untouched? How many of us have exercise equipment that collects dust or holds unworn clothing?

This year I refuse to bend to pressure to make and share resolutions. I will live my life as healthy as I can. I will continue to reduce stress and to put myself higher on the priority list. I will be more diligent at taking care of myself and my family. I will continue to stamp out negative talk and self-shaming chatter, in my head and in the mouth of my daughter. There will continue to be no room for H8 in my house, and plenty of room for LOVE.

I still struggle as a food addict. I still have days when I hurt. And yet, these addictions and abuse do not define who I am. Or what I do. They are a part of my life, and likely always will be. And the living will be in the tension of finding the correct balance. Some days will be easier than others, just like always.

Live your life, love who you are. Make adjustments because you want to, not because of society’s pressure to do so. Eliminate H8 and love with all you are and with everything you have.

THAT is how we will change the world. Not with resolutions, but with love.

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Every now and then I make a massive mistake and start reading. Not that reading is a mistake, but have you ever been in that place where you read one article, that leads you to another, and another and soon you’ve lost hours in your day?

I’ve been doing a lot of reading about clean eating. Eating food in its purest form. Fresh where possible, organic where affordable and available. Avoiding additives and GMO’s. Which has left me overwhelmed with what I should or should not eat. Good Lord…sugar is good, or it will slowly kill you. Dairy is necessary, or will poison you. You should eat meat…or vegan is the only way you will live past 50. *sigh*

For someone who already has massive issues with food, I am at the point where I hesitate before I eat anything…I try to cook fresh wherever possible. I eat local wherever I can. When local isn’t available I look to frozen vegetables, product of Ontario or Canada wherever possible. I hesitate with meat, for many reasons…I was a committed pescatarian (vegetarian who eats fish) for nearly two decades.

I reintroduced meat because I cannot digest legumes. One of the main sources of protein was unavailable to me. Then there’s the peanut butter debate. Yes, you should eat it, but only if you make it yourself or watch it being made. *sigh* Same with yogurt.

In a perfect world I would have a couple of milking cows, maybe a couple of milking goats, some chickens for eggs and would have a massive vegetable garden. I used to dream of a stone cottage near a stream where I would chop my own wood and haul my own water. I’m now 46 years old and have decided that hydro and running water with indoor plumbing are necessary. High speed internet is also getting high on the list of necessities… 🙂

To be completely honest, I’m scared. I don’t want to live forever. I am looking forward to the next life when I don’t have to worry about all this crap. I want to be the healthiest I can be. Which means to eat as well as I can, using common sense.

Remember that? Common sense?

Right now I’ve got two rooms in my house that are complete disaster areas. One is the home office that houses EVERYTHING we don’t have room for. If something doesn’t have a home it get chucked in there…which bothers me. But right now I don’t have time or energy to deal with it.

The other room is my “sanctuary” room. It was meant to have my clothes, exercise equipment, yoga mat, etc. It needs a major redesign. Badly. So I am going to get rid of my exercise equipment because I don’t use it. I am going to vacuum the rug in there and set out my yoga mat. I am going to make that room into a warm and inviting place. I will find room for all the “stuff” that is in there. And it will be awesome.

But right now I need to regain control of my brain. To stop double and triple thinking about every decision. I am a human being and can only do what I can do. All shall be well…I simply need to relax and let it be. Right?

Yeesh. I think I need to get doing something and stop thinking so much.

Organizing this afternoon will make me feel better. I’m absolutely sure of it. Regaining order from chaos always has a fantastic effect on me.

Yes, this afternoon will be awesome.

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One of the dangers of being a food addict is the holiday season. Everywhere you go there’s something to try. “Oh, just have one” they say and I break into a sweat. I want to eat the whole plate, but it’s better if I don’t eat any, so I politely refuse. Sometimes that leads to guilt so I’ll agree to have one, then two, then, well, you know how it ends.

Or I will refuse politely, then come home and eat two chocolate bars. Ugh.

This is a tricky time of year, psychologically and emotionally, before we get into any of the “fun” stuff of the holidays. Everywhere you go there’s overlit, too loud, hypercaffeinated places that raise your heart rate to buy me, eat me, love me, take me home. And if you refuse, then you’re a bad person.

So I guess I’m a bad person.

With being so tired as of late, I have no impulse control. I asked my beloved to do the grocery shopping and I know I shouldn’t…because he brings home crap. Which I eat. Yes, it’s my fault that I put that thing in my mouth that I shouldn’t but…well…the truth is, I want it.

I have stopped looking at magazines for Christmas cookie ideas because I know, if I bake them, I’ll eat them…all of them.

I should get outside and walk the dogs. But I’m scared of slipping as it’s quite slick underfoot. I should go to the walking track and spend an hour there. But I don’t. I should pull out my yoga mat, breathe and stretch. But I don’t.

Instead, when I’m having difficulty coping, I go to bed. Most of the time I sleep, so obviously I am overtired. But when am I going to feel well enough to care for myself? Nobody is going to do it for me. I have to do it myself. And I will. Eventually.

*sigh*

What I need is a week in Bermuda. Am I going to get it? Not likely, at least not for awhile. I am, however, committed to taking 5 or 6 days in January and going on retreat. To a place where the food is good and healthy. Where there are no demands. Where I can bring my yoga mat and stretch. And journal. And cry.

I know I could do that here. But there’s always something else that’s more pressing. There’s always one more email to send, one more webpage to read, one more article that needs posting. I need to make myself a priority. I am cooking healthier meals and enjoying it. Today I’m going to attempt beef stew in the slow cooker.

Right now I feel muddled up. I know I should take better care of my body. Who takes care of me if I don’t? Nobody. So if nobody takes care of me, why should I bother? Counterintuitive I know, but real nonetheless.

We had a discussion about Christmas a couple of months back. We agreed that we will not go into debt for Christmas. We cut back the list dramatically. And nearly all the shopping is done. That makes me feel really good.

One day next week I am going to sort through the bags in the spare room and start wrapping. That will feel like accomplishment. I may even bring some things out and start decorating for Christmas/Winter. I’m not sure about a Christmas tree with the pup, but we’ll see.

What I need to do is shake off the cobwebs of guilt and shame. I need to stop beating myself up about what I have done and look forward, instead, to what I will do. To be intentional in everything I do, whether it be eating, speaking, washing, dressing, praying, stretching.

And I need a good cry.

And maybe a nap.

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I received an email from my best friend that contained the words “slow down before you hit a wall at 200 mph”. She was right, as always and I knew what she was saying, even before she said it.

My eating style is completely derailed.

My anxiety issues are reaching peak.

I am angry and miserable…to the point I can barely stand myself.

I feel like I am sliding backwards and there is no way to stop it.

You can usually tell the state of my mental health by how clean my house is. When I am well, I keep up with the dog hair, nose art, dishes, floors, bathrooms, common areas, etc. The floors have not been washed in weeks. The bathrooms have not been cleaned, especially the toilets, in weeks. And the worst part of all of this is…I don’t care.

The reality of the world I live in is this…if I don’t do it, it doesn’t get done. The state of the house does not matter to either my husband or daughter. When I get frustrated he tells me to leave it. So I have been…and nothing is getting done.

Changing topic ever so slightly…Halloween.

I despise Halloween. I don’t like the commercialism of it. I don’t like how it’s a candy grab for kids. I especially don’t like the amount of garbage that comes into this house. Because I know, if I can see the goodies, I will eat them. Even though I know they are made of additives, preservatives and other unpronounceable ingredients.

There are three large buckets laden with candy, chips, chocolate, gum, etc. And I cannot walk by them without eating something. I know I shouldn’t, but I can’t seem to stop myself. I have eaten more garbage food over the past three weeks, then I have in the last six months. And I feel the difference.

We have healthy food in the fridge, but instead we ate Halloween candy for supper. And I am furious with myself.

I think a good part of which is wrong with me is that my system cannot process what is being fed into it and I’m feeling tired, achy, miserable, because I’m going to have to detox again…and that is a very difficult process for me.

I have not yet cried for Baby H and for R. I should cry for them. I loved them both. And yet, the tears won’t come. Part of me is afraid then when the time comes and I do let go…I may not be able to regain control. And anyone who knows me, knows that control is important to me.

Next week I am going to be out Monday night, Tuesday night, Wednesday night and Thursday night. I don’t know what meals are going to look like, but I am hoping to get to the grocers and the market to get all of what is needed for pasta sauce, perhaps even make some soups ahead of time, that they can simply be reheated.

There are so many things that need to be done. The house needs cleaning, badly. I need to put a bunch of stuff away. I need the rest of the family to do the same.

But right now, I need to go and lie down. If I don’t sleep, at least I will be resting.

Tomorrow is another day.

Hopefully my motivation comes back.

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The past few days have been surreal. I’ve spent more time in hospital then I have anywhere else. A friend of mine had a baby boy last Friday evening. He’s beautiful. He’s perfect. He’s the love of my life. He had a rough day and spiked a fever, showed some signs of dehydration, so he and his Mum got to stay an extra night in hospital. Both were discharged yesterday after what felt like an eternity. They slept well last night and he’s feeding on a fairly regular schedule. So it seems he’s settling into life with his Mama and she is settling into life with him.

Usually I try to plan meals ahead. Not always successful. Monday I went to the hospital in the early afternoon expecting to spend an hour or two there. Was there until nearly 9:00 pm. Supper was take out, subs, and I was mindful of what I was eating as I was eating it. Last night was turkey sandwiches as I was again, at hospital for most of the afternoon, taking Baby and Mama home at 5:30 pm. Battling traffic across the city, detouring around accidents, etc., I got home about 6:30, just ahead of my Beloved. Sandwiches it was.

I’m completely off the wagon as far as breakfast goes…I can’t seem to get motivated enough to make breakfast for myself. I will make my Beloved’s lunch, but then not eat anything when it’s my lunch time. I’m not sure what is going on there.

I’m feeling good, my water intake is good, vitamins are back on track…now I need to get my eating patterns and choices back on track. I say this as I stare at my now empty coffee cup, attempting to conjure up the Coffee Fairy to bring me some.

I need to get to the grocery store and pick up some basics. I’m going to buy the ingredients to make pasta sauce and then make a double batch tonight and freeze some. I am going to plan ahead for my trip up north this weekend, so I have access to the types of food I want, and don’t end up eating processed garbage.

The strange thing is, since I have been deliberate in my healthier food choices, my cravings for garbage food have diminished. They are still there, but I’m finding healthier ways to address them. I can drive past a fast-food place and not have my mouth water, or start imagining what I am going to have there, as a reward, when I have been “good” for a while. The truth is, I don’t want to eat there. I want to eat at home. Healthy food. Home-made, from scratch food. Food that satisfies, the nourishes, that is healthy.

I’m not yet at the place where I crave carrot and celery sticks, but I have a feeling that may come…not tomorrow, but some day. And that is pretty awesome.

I wasn’t able to take the morning walk for nearly a week. And boy did I miss it. Last night, I dragged my beloved with me to walk the two dogs, and it was awesome. We got out this morning and did it again, and it was awesome. I am seeing a shift in myself, my attitude and my routine.

I want to be out and active. I want to move my body. I want to use my exercise equipment. I want to take walks. I want to eat healthy. It’s not becoming a chore (as much). It’s becoming a way of life.

Maybe not earth shattering for some, but is sure is for me.

Total weight loss since I came back from vacation in August – 15 lbs. Right now, it’s not so much about losing weight as it is about being healthier. And I am very much feeling healthier. Yay me.

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I am struggling with the balance of a new way of living; a new lifestyle, if you will. Since I have given up alcohol, I’ve been invited to a few parties, where the main objective is to drink. I’ve never been much of a social butterfly for events like that and I’m more anxious than usual now.

I have two such events that I’ve been invited to on Friday. And I don’t want to go. Don’t get me wrong, I quite like the people who are hosting and I think the reasons for the parties are good ones, but I don’t feel comfortable being in an environment where there will be both alcohol and food. I’m not ready; I’m not strong enough to be in those kinds of environments.

SO, I made a decision that this Friday night will be Family Fun Night. Not only do I get to spend quality time with my beloved and The Girl, I also have a perfectly legitimate excuse for not attending the parties. At least, that’s what I’m telling myself.

Will I ever go to a boozy party again? Likely not, as a boozy party has never really been my idea of a good time. I will be happy to drop my beloved off at said soiree and pick him up afterwards, but I don’t think I’d be staying. It’s not my scene. And really, should I have to justify my choice? Should I have to explain why I’ve chosen a healthier lifestyle? Um, NO.

So what I think I need to learn is to say “no thank you” when invited to said events, and not feel I need to provide an explanation. I think that’s what we call boundaries. 🙂

Today is meant to be a ridiculously humid day. The house is quite cool just now so I think I’ll work from home for the morning and then venture out to get some errands done.

Yesterday was a full work day. So today may be a little lighter.

See? Balance!

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So, I’ve been mindful of what I’m eating, cooking at home as much as possible and shopping regularly to ensure I have the freshest ingredients possible. It also makes the trip much shorter and far less anxiety producing.

Yesterday was a strange day. I woke with a rotten headache, limped through two services and was going to clean up the kitchen, but decided instead to have a nap. It turned into a 2 1/2 hour nap and ended with my beloved asking me when the induction service was for a friend of ours. It was taking place in a community nearly an hour away, but was starting in less than half an hour. Well, crap.

I got up, had a shower, got dressed and we decided to take the dogs to the dog park. We walked around with them while we were there, getting some exercise and enjoying the beautiful Sunday afternoon weather. On the way home we noticed a new restaurant that has opened and decided we would splurge and try it.

Buffets, on the whole, scare me. I can’t control the caloric or fat content, I’m often not sure what it is that is being offered (even if there’s a sign) and I’m terrified of overeating. I try to eat until I am just satisfied, not full or especially not bursting. All that went to you-know-where last night.

The buffet price was extremely expensive. There were four steam tables with hot foot, one with salads and cold food, one with carvery food and one with desserts. I started with salad, and it was okay. Not as much selection for salad vegetables, but it was something. My beloved loaded his plate with meat.

I ate slowly, savouring each piece and rested between plates. The first plate of hot food was good. I took a little bit of a few things and decided which I really liked, which I thought was good, and which didn’t care for. Being raised as I was, I was taught never to waste food, to eat whatever was on my plate. But last night I did leave food on my plate; I felt guilty for it, but I did it.

I decided to be adventurous and try some new things that I hadn’t tried before. And most of them remained on my plate. I have decided that I much prefer to eat at home, as I know what it is I am eating and I have the added bonus of cooking the food and knowing how it’s prepared. *sigh*

By the time I finished eating I had a sharp pain in my left shoulder. I was having difficulty breathing and I wanted to go home. My beloved was not finished, as he was determined to get his money’s worth. The restaurant always makes money on me, even when I try to overeat, which I did last night. Not so much with my beloved. He loves his meat.

So by the time we finished up, paid the bill and headed home I was feeling quite rotten. I went outside for fresh air with the dogs and made my beloved promise that we would go for a walk with the dogs this morning. We did. And I feel better for doing so. But now I’m anxious about what to eat today.

Dinner is planned, and I’m glad about that. I have not had breakfast, but I will have lunch. I’m going to do some baking this afternoon in between appointments, so we have some treats. I’m thinking apple and cheddar muffins and some mixed berry muffins. Which means another trip to the grocery store. And, today, that will be okay.

So, a sincere lesson learned. No more buffets for me. Can’t do it. Don’t want to do it. For the next while, no more eating out. Cooking at home, as clean as possible and from scratch where possible is what I need to do.

Going to continue with multiple litres of water a day, increasing vitamin D and Omega-3. Limiting caffeine, eating balanced meals as much as possible, and hopefully will be able to stop obsessing.

Am excited about the commitment I’ve made to be healthier. And I’m especially pleased that my beloved has signed on as well. I’m also enjoying how my clothes are fitting, especially my clergy shirts.

Slowly, and surely, I’ll reach my optimum health. It will be more than numbers on a scale, or numbers on a chart. It will be about my feeling good; both inside and out. I’ve a long way to go, but I’m moving in the right direction. Thanks be to God.

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The past few days have been a struggle for me, with respect to food. I am having conversations with The Narrator again when I’m making food choices, especially in restaurants. For example, my Mam weighs 114 lbs. I weigh more than twice that. She orders french fries, I order salad. She doesn’t finish her plate, but encourages me to do so. And so I do.

The Narrator chimes in like this “Hey, look at those fries. They look fresh-cut. Remember the smell of blanching fresh-cut fries…just have a couple. It won’t do you any harm.” So I have a couple. “Don’t those taste awesome? C’mon, eat them all.” And before I know it, the plate is empty. Then it starts, “you stupid, fat, pig. No willpower at all, do you? How do you expect to lose weight when you shove stuff in your mouth without even thinking about it? What kind of loser are you? How do you expect anyone to listen to what you have to say, when you can’t even control yourself? Just stop eating.”

Then I spend the next couple of hours feeling badly about myself. I’m afraid to go to the grocery store. I’m afraid to go into any store because I fear I’ll make a bad choice. So I don’t eat. And then I get scared that I won’t eat again. Craziness! Oh, and I did just take my meds for the day.

Yesterday I woke after a fairly rotten night’s sleep and took my Mam out for breakfast. My Mam LOVES to eat out. I fear eating out. More often than not I make healthier choices, but some days my balance is off and I fall off the wagon. We went out for breakfast, which is a veritable minefield at the best of times. My brother joined us for breakfast. I ordered eggs, over-easy, fresh tomatoes instead of home fries, and rye toast. I finished it. It was three eggs. But I did make healthier choices.

I had a peanut butter and dark chocolate protein bar with a bottle of water for lunch. The rest area was crammed full of people and I didn’t want to stand in line, so I grabbed something moderately healthy and kept driving. For dinner last night I had nothing. I did drink four litres of water from when I got home to when I went to bed. I need to go grocery shopping. I have a list. I have my market bucket. I just need the resolve to go.

I have an appointment in the village at 2:00. I think I may go after that. The store should be quieter then.

I’ve been doing a lot of reading about genetically modified foods and realise, with great horror, that we cannot get nutrients we need from the food we eat. It would take 12 cups of broccoli to give us the same vitamins that one cup would have given us 50 years ago. The reason why so many of us have medical issues is related to malnutrition. Unbelievable.

I’m doing some reading on the need for vitamin and mineral supplements for the chronic conditions from which I suffer. It may all be b.s. but I’m willing to try almost anything if it will improve my quality of life.

So, today is a day of getting things finished. I look forward to seeing a neatly made bed in my bedroom and in the spare bedroom, with a set of bedding neatly folded and put away. It may be a small thing, but it is a ray of sunshine in an otherwise challenging time.

Restoring order from chaos. Something from which I take great satisfaction.

I wonder if it is coincidence that this year we are doing a four-week series on Creation? Hmmm, coincidence with God? I think not.

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I weighed myself before I went on vacation, and I was horrified at the numbers that presented themselves to me. I vowed not to gain any weight while I was away, and lose some, if possible. I became very mindful of what went in my mouth and when. I made conscious decisions about food…not necessarily caving in to cravings. And there was ice cream…but in moderation.

Since I came home, I have continued with the breakfast smoothie in the morning. Yogurt, milk, fruit of some description and away we go. It fills me up, keeps me going all morning long and by the time I come back from the office, or wherever my morning in spent, I’m ready for a simple lunch.

I stepped on the scales yesterday, just to see how things were progressing and discovered I have lost 10 lbs. Now, I’m quite certain most of the weight was released when my stress began to release. But I am liking how my clothes are fitting. I am noticing some of the latest clothing I bought is too big for me.

I’m not expecting to lose 10 lbs a month, but this makes me very mindful of being back on track. I don’t have a “goal weight”, but what I have is a desire to be healthier. On Monday night my beloved and I went to talk to a family counsellor and she is amazing. We are going to work individually with her and together, as a couple, with her. She has recommended a book that gives good advice on the correlation between health and diet.

It also recommends vitamins and minerals to take to supplement a healthy diet. The problem with all the GM foods we eat is that they don’t contain the vitamins and minerals that they once did. So we have to find that somewhere else. Once I’ve read the book, I’m going to make a list of what I should be taking and then go get them. It will be incorporated into our food budget, and I am expecting that little by little, I will feel even better. Little by little I will feel like I am regaining some of the control I lost.

Grocery shopping is still a major challenge, but I have a “market bucket” that I use when I go to the grocery store. I have a list. I still to the list. Once the bucket is full, or my list is complete, I leave. It’s a new system for me, but seems to be working.

Baby steps…one at a time…but they do seem to be working. And for that, I am eternally grateful.

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I’ve been slipping quickly with my food choices and today I fell off the wagon. Hard. There will likely be bruising.

I’m limiting my intake of alcohol because I don’t want the extra calories and I really don’t seem to be able to have “just a couple”. Compound that with a great dislike of losing control AND the fact that I am always on call. I simply can’t get hammered anymore.

Usually, whenever I leave the house, I have a bottle of sparkling water with me. I drink, on average 4 – 6 litres of the stuff every day. And when I drink the full amount, I feel great. My skin looks better, my eyes shine and my hair is soft.

Lately I’ve been indulging in things that I know are bad for me. Chocolate, cookies, chips, alcohol, ice cream, french fries.

I’m a big believer in moderation, but my body doesn’t quite seem to understand what that means. When I am on my own, I can talk myself through a craving, usually. I can make myself something healthy for lunch and savour it, eating it slowly, with flowers on the table, a cloth napkin and a proper plate. And then there are the days when I fill a bowl with ice cream and eat it while standing over the sink. Or even better than that, taking the lid off the container, grabbing a spoon and eating “just a spoonful or two” then before I know it the container is empty and I feel gross.

Today it was a potato chip binge. I’ve not touched potato chips in months. But for whatever reason, when I was at the grocery store I bought a bag of my favourites, and have eaten 2/3 of the bag. I guess I should rejoice that I didn’t eat the whole bag. But I still feel disgusting and really disappointed in myself.

I’m going to a party on Saturday night and I was thinking of getting some hard cider to take and enjoy. I’ve decided, instead, to bring three bottles of sparkling water and drink that. I’ll be much less likely to nibble and snack and will be in control of myself.

I need to menu plan and have healthy options at home, instead of garbage.

I need to cook more instead of grocery-store ready foods.

I want to exercise more, but there’s always a reason why I can’t. And it has to stop. Now.

I’m taking a course in MBCT (Mindfulness Based Cognitive Therapy) in September for 8 weeks. We will be spending time on yoga mats stretching and breathing. To celebrate and honour that, I ordered an eco-yoga mat from a company called Barefoot Yoga. I mean, how could I not? I found a fabulous deal on the internet and it should be here in a week or so.

I’m going to get my original mat, which has scuffs and scratches on it, and use it every day. Even if its only 15 minutes to sitting still and breathing. Then slowly I’ll add more time on my mat.

I’ll take up the stretches again, and focus on breathing, instead of eating.

I’ll get up and move instead of staring into the abyss of the internet.

I’ll try to stop beating myself up about falling off the wagon and instead, get back up on the bloody thing.

I’m determined to buy a bikini and wear it this summer. No matter how my body looks.

I’m determined to make myself feel better through a combination of food and exercise.

I’m going to stop reading about the latest “diet” and “guaranteed successes” because nothing in life is guaranteed, other than at some point, that life will end.

I’m determined that by the time I go on vacation (in 5 weeks) that I’ll be walking healthier and will walk every day that I’m away. And every day once I return.

By the fall I want to be running for pleasure. I haven’t done that since I ran long distance in public school and I quite enjoyed it. My body is nowhere ready for it, but if I am determined enough to do what needs to be done, then it will be.

I need to forgive myself for falling off the wagon. As Miss Sullivan said to Anne Shirley, “Tomorrow is a new day, fresh and free of mistakes”.

So, tomorrow I climb back on again, and start again.

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