One of the challenges with moving provinces is re-establishing health care. The first health care provider I procured was a Chiropractor, followed by a Registered Massage Therapist. Next was the Pharmacist, and today I saw my new Family Doctor. I had a list nearly as long as my arm with things to discuss with her. She listened and acknowledged; she’s young and has a wonderfully warm demeanor. I enjoyed sharing my list of concerns with her and she has started the referral process for many of the ailments I now have. For the record; aging is NOT for the faint of heart…
One of the questions she asked was my form of birth control, to which I answered “my face”. She blinked and looked blankly at me, then started laughing uncontrollably. I think Dr. B and I will be getting along well. She gave me a requisition for blood work, a number to call to schedule a mammogram, a referral in process for a gynecologist, a renewal for my prescription antidepressants and I see her again in a month for a physical. Phew. All that was discussed in 10 minutes.
Another of the things on my “to do” list is putting together the paperwork for separation and divorce. I spoke recently with A and we agreed on a separation date and we’ve already separated our assets and liabilities. For all intents and purposes, it should be an “easy” divorce…well, as far as administration goes. Emotionally, it is an ending. And although we both agreed that this was “for the best”, there is still a process of grieving. The end of something that we once promised would last forever.
As I reflect on the end of our marriage and the rebirth of myself, I realise, once again, that sometimes love is not enough. I love him as a person. I love him as a friend. But I am no longer in love with him, and if I were honest, I haven’t been for a long time. Too many things unsaid, too many broken promises. Too many times when one thing was said and another done. Too many times when it was simply too much effort to work at our relationship. The precedent scares me…unfortunately I’ve been down this road before.
And while I have said that I will never love another again…is it really fair of me to close my heart off from the world? I don’t know…I suspect God does…
For now, the wall around my heart remains firmly in place. I will mourn and grieve the loss of something that once meant the world to me. I will survive. I will come through the other side stronger then ever…knowing myself more than I ever have…and learning to love again. Beginning with myself. As a wise friend recently said “I’m worth it”.
And you know what? I believe that to be true.
So while I mourn the ending of a marriage/relationship/partnership, I rejoice in the knowledge that I am coming back to life…I am experiencing my own re-birth. I revel in the sounds of birdsong, of the gentle and often not-so-gentle winds that blow through my life. I revel in the smells of Spring flowers, of walking around the village where I live and breathing in the fresh mountain air. As I reflected to a parishioner at the induction service last week “I am home”. In so many ways, British Columbia has become my home.
And in this home I find my heart, my soul and my life. Thanks be to God.
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