The Baby we have been praying for has died. I said it. Out loud. Now it’s real. He was 28 days old. We baptised him at 23 days old, praying fervently for a miracle. But no miracle was realised.
It would be easy to blame God, to blame the Life Force, whatever your higher power or balance of energy is called. It would be easy. But it’s not right. To assign blame to God is to make God appear like a cruel bastard. If I pray enough, hard enough, long enough, enough, enough, enough, the baby will get better. It doesn’t work that way.
When H came into our lives, it was only for a short while. WHY he came into our lives is a matter of debate and discussion. Yes, right now I am quite angry with God. I have shouted at Jesus. I have flipped off the Holy Spirit. But I have not (yet) cried.
On Sunday afternoon at 2:00 pm we will gather to Celebrate the Life of one so small…tiny, helpless and perfect.
Between now and then I have a Legion service for a much-loved member of the congregation who succumbed to ALS last Saturday. His Church service is on Thursday morning, and the OPP Superintendent and Chief Commissioner will be present.
While it is sad that R has died, he was 85 years old. The Bible would say that he is “old and filled with days” so that gives us some comfort. But what about H?
28 days is nowhere near a lifetime. And there are those who would say that in God’s time 28 days is an eternity. And I would tell them, I believe them to be mistaken. It’s not long enough…nowhere near long enough.
And when I stop raging I realise that H was sent to us to teach us. From him I have learned determination, patience, dignity, hope, joy and especially I have learned love.
I have no idea what I am going to say at his Celebration of Life. I believe I will simply open my heart and let the Holy Spirit take over. Because there doesn’t seem to be anything useful I can say. I want to scream and shout. I want to pitch things and throw up my hands. But that serves nothing. And leaves me a large mess to clean up.
So I pray. I sit in the stillness and peace. And I let go.
I know the tears will come. And when they come they will not stop for a long time.
So for now I sit in the tension of the stillness and pray that I have the strength and find the strength to do what needs to be done; to say what needs to be said. Not only for H, but for R and for the rest of the congregation.
“O Lord, Open thou our lips.
And thy mouth shall show forth thy praise.
O God make speed to save us.
O LORD make haste to help us.
Glory be to the Father, and to the Son, and to the Holy Ghost.
As it was in the beginning is now and ever shall be, world without end. Amen”.
Amen indeed.
You should try to cry. I cried so much Sunday that I didn’t think I had any tears left. 2 of my good friends dying in one day was hard to handle. I am trying to handle the day to day challenges but hard to do sometimes. You have so very much on your plate, but it doesn’t hurt to shed a few tears. Love Bonnie.