Archive for August, 2013

One of the things I struggle with is being an “A” type personality. I like things done properly and thoroughly. I am married to a man who does things when he wants to; when he’s ready to do them, which is rarely when I want them done. It has become an increasing issue in our relationship until I realised that I’m imposing what I want/need on him. And that’s not fair.

Yes, he should help out more with the housework. Yes, he shouldn’t have to be asked to take out the garbage. But it doesn’t bother him when it doesn’t get done. It bothers me. So I get upset, and in turn, he gets upset. In the long run, I end up doing it, feeling angry and resentful, and we grow apart.

So, while I know I need routine to function well, I am taking charge of the small things I can control, like cooking and cleaning. I figure, he will either start helping with what he wants to or can do, or he won’t. I can holler and scream (or more likely slam doors and mutter) or I can realise that if it’s that important to me, I can simply do it.

The dogs sleep on our bed. I’m not delighted with that. The bed is constantly full of grit and crud. It should be changed weekly, but the reality is, I don’t always have time to change it weekly. So it will wait a couple of weeks or even longer. Is it gross? Absolutely. Does it mean I won’t be able to sleep? Sometimes. Will I get out of bed in the middle of the night to change it? Sometimes.

But there are priorities in my life. Family is important. Work is important. Friends are important. I am important. And yes, I have noted where I stand in the pecking order. I’m working on that, too.

So my morning routine for now is I am up just after 6:00 am and get the dogs their breakfast, let them out for their morning ablutions. By then my beloved is up and we take the dogs for a half hour walk. He makes coffee, I make morning smoothies and after he’s headed to work, I clean up the kitchen from the previous night’s dinner dishes.

By 9:00 I am either at the Church Office or I’m starting on a task at home. By noon, I am home from the office or stopping my task to feed the dogs and myself. Then it’s either on to pastoral calls/visits, or more tasks at home.

By 4:00 I have an idea what we are doing for dinner, and if necessary I brave the grocery store. Then dinner is cooked, we sit down together to eat at 6:00 pm (ish) and then either clean up the kitchen or leave it until the next day.

I make time for myself with a soak in the tub, therapeutic massage, yoga and the like when I can. And I don’t feel guilty for not making yet another phone call because my back is aching and I need a nap.

I’m beginning to learn its all about balance, and there are things I need to do that make me happy, that don’t particularly matter to anyone else. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a slave, but I am trying to stop harping and moaning at my family because something didn’t get put away the way I want to be. There is teaching, there is reminding and there is simply doing it myself.

Balance. It’s all about balance.

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I weighed myself before I went on vacation, and I was horrified at the numbers that presented themselves to me. I vowed not to gain any weight while I was away, and lose some, if possible. I became very mindful of what went in my mouth and when. I made conscious decisions about food…not necessarily caving in to cravings. And there was ice cream…but in moderation.

Since I came home, I have continued with the breakfast smoothie in the morning. Yogurt, milk, fruit of some description and away we go. It fills me up, keeps me going all morning long and by the time I come back from the office, or wherever my morning in spent, I’m ready for a simple lunch.

I stepped on the scales yesterday, just to see how things were progressing and discovered I have lost 10 lbs. Now, I’m quite certain most of the weight was released when my stress began to release. But I am liking how my clothes are fitting. I am noticing some of the latest clothing I bought is too big for me.

I’m not expecting to lose 10 lbs a month, but this makes me very mindful of being back on track. I don’t have a “goal weight”, but what I have is a desire to be healthier. On Monday night my beloved and I went to talk to a family counsellor and she is amazing. We are going to work individually with her and together, as a couple, with her. She has recommended a book that gives good advice on the correlation between health and diet.

It also recommends vitamins and minerals to take to supplement a healthy diet. The problem with all the GM foods we eat is that they don’t contain the vitamins and minerals that they once did. So we have to find that somewhere else. Once I’ve read the book, I’m going to make a list of what I should be taking and then go get them. It will be incorporated into our food budget, and I am expecting that little by little, I will feel even better. Little by little I will feel like I am regaining some of the control I lost.

Grocery shopping is still a major challenge, but I have a “market bucket” that I use when I go to the grocery store. I have a list. I still to the list. Once the bucket is full, or my list is complete, I leave. It’s a new system for me, but seems to be working.

Baby steps…one at a time…but they do seem to be working. And for that, I am eternally grateful.

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It was a great time on vacation. I spent the best part of the first week sleeping. I knew I was exhausted, but I had little comprehension of just how exhausted I was. I look rested, I feel rested and at the same time I’m feeling quite overwhelmed.

I have had difficulty keeping focus since I got home. The house is in a perpetual state of disarray, and I’m trying to get laundry done, as well as organize the next couple of weeks. I will be very glad when school starts and swimming lessons finish so I can return to some kind of routine.

Being away I had a lot of time to think. About who I am and what I want. I have realised that I don’t have the physical strength to do many of things I really want to do. I wanted to take up running again, but I don’t think my joints will handle it. I wanted to do all kinds of things, and yet I didn’t get many of them done. And I guess, that’s okay.

So right now I’m dealing with a full-blown CFS flare. My body aches, my joints are warm (which is not good), my sleep is interrupted, not restful and I’ve got more verbal and cognitive confusion than usual.

I likely could have used one more week, but the reality of the parish means it’s not possible. I came back to a massive pastoral issue that needed to be dealt with and still needs to be dealt with. And there is the joy of an out-of-town wedding on Friday/Saturday, then another wedding the weekend after.

So it simply never ends.

I’ve had a houseful of people since I got home and I can’t find a moment’s peace. And it doesn’t seem to matter. So, I need to breathe, remove myself, and try to be gentle with myself.

After two more emails I will. Honestly.

I am glad to be back. I am.

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It could be the edge of insanity, or it could be the edge of awesome. I don’t believe I have ever felt this weary and yet this wired at any time before in my life. It’s a strange manic/hyper place, where I am not the slightest bit familiar. I don’t like it here.

The past two weeks have been really rough in many ways and I am so very happy to be getting away from this place. I love what I do, and I love where I live, but right now I’m so empty that I’m worried I’m starting to corrode.

My yoga mat is packed and ready to go. I have a list of things to put in my handbag so I have what I need for the train ride at my fingertips. I have packed some healthy snacks to take with me so all I have to buy is sparkling water or perhaps a cup of tea. a friend is taking me to the train station so my husband and daughter can have an afternoon of awesome together going swimming.

Today we went to an off leash beach in a big city a couple of hours away. The dogs were good, the younger one has never been in the lake before and he loves it. He’s a natural swimmer and even gave our dock diving older dog a run for her money. They slept soundly, snoring most of the way home.

The towels from today’s adventure are in the dryer. I’m going to flip them around and put them on again as the load was really full, and I’m quite sure they’re not dry. And then I think I’ll go to bed.

I have no homily for tomorrow. And I will own it. I’m overtired, I’m beyond exhausted and I’m very pleased that I have two weeks away beginning tomorrow. By this time tomorrow I will be with my friend, driving from the train station to the small town where she lives and I will really and truly be on vacation. I was have two weeks of Sabbath. And I can’t wait.

The lists have been prepared of what I need to bring and many of the smaller things have been packed. I have a book I’m bringing for a course I’m taking in September, that I may or may not get around to reading. I am bringing my yoga mat and my journal. Two dresses for theatre events we are going to, and a small collection of tops and bottoms. A yoga jacket, a heavier cardigan and that’s all I need.

Makeup is packed, jewellery is packed, clothes have been set out but not yet packed. Still have to pack toiletries, which will happen tomorrow after Church and then, I am done.

I need to pick up a pair of sandals I was looking at the other night. My right heel is an absolute mess, and the sandals I currently have aggravate it. My thoughts of extended walking are on hold for a week, I may pick them up on week two of my vacation, if my heel is in better shape. The weather is supposed to be cooler and wet for the first week, then bright and sunny the second week. Awesome.

I will not set an agenda. I will take each day as it comes. I will take better care of myself. Drink lots of water. Eat healthier foods. Laugh uncontrollably. Pour out my heart and soul in words. Pray without ceasing. Stretch my mind and body into better health. Eliminate sugar, refined flour, processed foods and alcohol from my diet, perhaps forever.

Mindfulness is the touch-word for this vacation.

I don’t know when I will blog again. This vacation will also be electronics free. My cell phone is coming with me for emergencies, and for checking on my family. But nothing else. It will not travel with me if we are away for the day. I will not come with me or be near me when I am practicing yoga. And I’m looking forward to that.

Today, I feel like I’m standing on the edge of insanity. I pray that in two weeks I will be standing on the edge of awesomeness. Only time, determination, faith, and openness will tell.

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