Barefoot Bellringing

I’ve been slipping quickly with my food choices and today I fell off the wagon. Hard. There will likely be bruising.

I’m limiting my intake of alcohol because I don’t want the extra calories and I really don’t seem to be able to have “just a couple”. Compound that with a great dislike of losing control AND the fact that I am always on call. I simply can’t get hammered anymore.

Usually, whenever I leave the house, I have a bottle of sparkling water with me. I drink, on average 4 – 6 litres of the stuff every day. And when I drink the full amount, I feel great. My skin looks better, my eyes shine and my hair is soft.

Lately I’ve been indulging in things that I know are bad for me. Chocolate, cookies, chips, alcohol, ice cream, french fries.

I’m a big believer in moderation, but my body doesn’t quite seem to understand what that means. When I am on my own, I can talk myself through a craving, usually. I can make myself something healthy for lunch and savour it, eating it slowly, with flowers on the table, a cloth napkin and a proper plate. And then there are the days when I fill a bowl with ice cream and eat it while standing over the sink. Or even better than that, taking the lid off the container, grabbing a spoon and eating “just a spoonful or two” then before I know it the container is empty and I feel gross.

Today it was a potato chip binge. I’ve not touched potato chips in months. But for whatever reason, when I was at the grocery store I bought a bag of my favourites, and have eaten 2/3 of the bag. I guess I should rejoice that I didn’t eat the whole bag. But I still feel disgusting and really disappointed in myself.

I’m going to a party on Saturday night and I was thinking of getting some hard cider to take and enjoy. I’ve decided, instead, to bring three bottles of sparkling water and drink that. I’ll be much less likely to nibble and snack and will be in control of myself.

I need to menu plan and have healthy options at home, instead of garbage.

I need to cook more instead of grocery-store ready foods.

I want to exercise more, but there’s always a reason why I can’t. And it has to stop. Now.

I’m taking a course in MBCT (Mindfulness Based Cognitive Therapy) in September for 8 weeks. We will be spending time on yoga mats stretching and breathing. To celebrate and honour that, I ordered an eco-yoga mat from a company called Barefoot Yoga. I mean, how could I not? I found a fabulous deal on the internet and it should be here in a week or so.

I’m going to get my original mat, which has scuffs and scratches on it, and use it every day. Even if its only 15 minutes to sitting still and breathing. Then slowly I’ll add more time on my mat.

I’ll take up the stretches again, and focus on breathing, instead of eating.

I’ll get up and move instead of staring into the abyss of the internet.

I’ll try to stop beating myself up about falling off the wagon and instead, get back up on the bloody thing.

I’m determined to buy a bikini and wear it this summer. No matter how my body looks.

I’m determined to make myself feel better through a combination of food and exercise.

I’m going to stop reading about the latest “diet” and “guaranteed successes” because nothing in life is guaranteed, other than at some point, that life will end.

I’m determined that by the time I go on vacation (in 5 weeks) that I’ll be walking healthier and will walk every day that I’m away. And every day once I return.

By the fall I want to be running for pleasure. I haven’t done that since I ran long distance in public school and I quite enjoyed it. My body is nowhere ready for it, but if I am determined enough to do what needs to be done, then it will be.

I need to forgive myself for falling off the wagon. As Miss Sullivan said to Anne Shirley, “Tomorrow is a new day, fresh and free of mistakes”.

So, tomorrow I climb back on again, and start again.