Barefoot Bellringing

I think these things are supposed to begin like this “Hello, my name is _______ and I am an addict.
I am addicted to food. I have begun to realise that most of my issues with food are because I react emotionally to food. The daughter of a friend of mine is in recovery from an eating disorder and she blogged recently about food shaming, and body shaming.

I am overweight. I got on the scale today and it said 234 lbs. I’m 5’6” and that’s simply too much weight for my body. I live a very active lifestyle, most days I’m on the run constantly. Some days I can go all day without eating because I don’t feel hungry. And then I sit down. And all hell lets loose.

I’ve tried diets before and I don’t have the willpower or the staying power. I try to eat according to the recommendations of Canada’s Food Guide. And then I’ll bake something involving chocolate, and I’ll eat most of it. Not in one sitting, but sometimes.

The problem with being a food addict is that food is everywhere I go. A heroin addict, once clean, would not randomly come across her drug of choice at the gas station, or the supermarket, or the corner store. But everywhere I go there is food. And of course, the most appetizing stuff is close to the check out. I’m reading a book called The Hunger Fix and it talks about the necessity of detoxing from food before learning to eat better.

It talks about mouth hunger and about pleasure sensors. It speaks to me because it was written by someone who is also a food addict. I don’t know one human being who says “OMG, I’m SO craving carrot sticks”…unless they are part rabbit. Living with food addiction is a minefield. It is a form of an eating disorder and has all the shame that goes with it. A simple lunch invitation can cause fixation on what I am going to eat, and that makes me run through “the rules” of eating.

My recovery will begin with the understanding of why I overeat. And what I overeat. I need to stop several behaviours that are not good for me. Such as eating while standing up. Eating while watching a movie. Eating anywhere but the dining room table.

One of the things I’m going to do is clear off my dining room table and make it pretty. I think if I sit down to eat each meal in a beautiful setting i.e. tablecloth, place mat, charger, wine glass for sparkling water, etc, it will give me an opportunity to enjoy my food, and be aware of what I’m eating.

At first there will be many rules I impose on myself, but eventually, I hope to loosen them. I don’t want to starve myself to a size 3. My body is not made to be willow thin, but I know I need to lose a lot of weight. It will be a four-step process…detox, eat healthier making healthy choices, drinking lots of water and exercise. The though of running a marathon does not appeal to me, nor does going to a gym. I still have too many body image issues for that.

So I am going to take the dogs for a walk, at least once a day, for 30 minutes. Eventually I will take longer walks and will turn to exercise in times of stress instead of food. I will work more zealously at yoga. Being aware of my body, my breath and my well-being.

I will avoid social settings (at first) where I will slip into unhealthy eating patterns. Especially while I’m in detox. I’m in day 3 of a liver/digestive detox which is designed to last a month and clean out the liver and digestive system. I take 4 supplements a day (2 in the morning, 2 in the evening) and I have the doctor’s approval that they won’t interfere with my antidepressants.

There is no Betty Ford Centre for food addicts. Everywhere you go, there is food. I can’t go “cold turkey” from food or I’ll die. I also don’t want to fall into the place where I’ll never be able to eat out and enjoy myself again. In short, I don’t want to share one set of unhealthy behaviours for another.

Behaviour is the correct word. I reward myself with food. I comfort myself with food. There’s nothing really wrong with that, but the amount and the type of food are not appropriate. So for now, because I can’t have “just one” of something that I overeat, I will eat none until I know for certain that I can handle “just one”.

Artificial sweeteners are out of my diet for good. Pop is out of my diet. my plan is to eat as close to nature as possible. Fresh as opposed to canned. Cooked from scratch as opposed to processed foods. It’s going to take some work. My beloved is on board and has started to make healthier choices for himself as he supports me in my endeavour.

I’m hoping that once I begin to eat properly I will lose weight. Not to be supermodel thin, but to be healthier in who I am…whatever that weight may end up. Having said that, weighing below 200 lbs would be great.

So for now I’m going to take one day at a time, one meal at a time, one trip to the grocery store at a time. I’m going to talk myself through new things. I already talk to myself, only now there will be new reasons for it. I’m going to share my anxiety with those I trust if I’m in a potentially dangerous situation…such as a buffet, or a dessert bar.

I need to be friends with food, not to look at it as the enemy. Currently food and I are not on speaking terms. But with time that will change. And it will be good. Once I get the cravings under control I know things will change. The next 27 days will have their ups and downs, but I’m confident I’ll get through it. If I fall off the wagon, I’ll get back on and try again.

Why?

Because I’m worth it.