As I gaze out my office window it is overcast and raining. The kind of day when I really don’t want to do anything. I want to perhaps have a warm bath, a cup of tea, wear snuggly pyjamas and stay home. The reality is that I can’t do that, there’s simply too much that needs to be done.
Twice a year the Wardens and I send pastoral letters to the congregation. We met this morning and the Wardens have written a lovely goodbye letter, as they have reached the end of their five year mandate and are stepping down. They listed the Church’s accomplishments and wished everyone Christmas blessings.
I need to write my letter. And I’m struggling with what to write. I’m not feeling anything close to “Christmas Spirit” or even Holy Spirit these days. These dark days are making me feel melancholy and really, really missing my dad. Usually by now I’m excited about baking cookies and preparing the house for Advent, Christmas and Epiphany. As of right now I’ve not done any of it and truly don’t feel like doing any of it.
And that would be okay if it was only me living there, but there’s also my 11 year old daughter-by-marriage to think about. She gets excited this time of year. So maybe what I need to do is to get the house cleaned and let her decorate? What’s the worst that could happen?
This Sunday, at 3:00 p.m., is our Community Christmas service for those who struggle with this time of year. It’s the third year we are offering this to the community. I’m looking forward to the service as I suspect it will be very moving and meaningful to those of us who struggle with the commercialism and the false-gaity of the holiday season.
I know it’s okay for me to feel melancholy. I suspect it’s part of my ever-present depression. I keep hoping that every day I wake up will be a better day. And yet right now, it’s not. So I get up, wash my face, brush my teeth, get dressed and get on with the day. Some days feel insurmountable, and yet I get through them, one task at a time.
I feel God’s love surrounding me, I feel the presence of the Holy Spirit whispering in my ear. And the reason I know it’s the Holy Spirit is because the words are loving and not critical. My inner narrator is always critical, especially of me. The words I hear are promise, joy, hope, peace and love. They are sacred, spiritual, silence, comfort and safety.
So even if I don’t get the house cleaned, the baking done and the presents bought, at least I will have the knowledge that I am loved. The sun will rise tomorrow, even if it rains all day. And it will be alright.
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